everything falls apart...
and the universe opens up.
i remember a year ago or so from today sitting on the floor in my cold midtown studio crammed full of all my artwork, music supplies, books, hippie crystal shit etc… and shivering in front of a space heater praying earnestly
DEAR GOD, MOVE ME
but PRETTY PLEASE, let it be a little more gentle this time.
i was struggling with health issues of unknown origins along with paying rent and my health care bills as a yoga teacher, unable to practice yoga because of the pain in my body… and searching for a new place to live.
the anxiety attacks were becoming more frequent… i was unable to breath at times, and often thought, Tonight may be the night… maybe i won’t show up to class tomorrow.
…God moved me.
to Roseville, CA. closer to work, away from the hustle and cool urban vibe of midtown… in with a friend who kindly took me in to essentially get me out of a very toxic environment.
i’m hypersensitive to my surroundings as it turns out. and apparently, the heart of downtown, right next to the freeway in a building surrounded by homeless people and full of likely drug addicts, was starting to be a huge strain on my system…. along with my own emotional baggage i had been carrying.
i was also beginning to feel resentful towards teaching. i had been at it full time for over a year now, a choice i made after graduating college to figure myself out. i was living the dream!! but my dream, as it turns out, and as many full time yoga teachers may tell you, is taxing on the soul.
teaching an average of 10-15 classes a week is far to much. a part of me loved what i was doing, but a deeper part of me knew… there’s more.
i couldn’t put my finger on it just yet, but i knew, i needed to start soul-searching, creating in a new way. letting spirit guide me towards the next step...
i packed my shit in boxes... as i was doing so, there was this gnawing feeling deep inside of me
the process was gradual.
because God was answering my prayers.
i moved in with that friend, and soon enough, as the situation didn’t turn out as planned…
i was begging my parents to let me move in with them.
i hadn’t left their home a few years prior on good terms. at the time, i was recovering from a severe eating disorder, and picking up another addiction to drugs and alcohol and the party life to fill the void.
now, in 2016, i was over a year sober, and desperate for a place to live.
despite the past, and a little bit of trepidation… they eventually said okay, with a few terms of course.
pay rent, help around the house… nothing to big. but it was a place to stay while i recovered from said mystery illness and figured out the next thing.
months began to pass, i started to feel better, had a little more time to nurture myself and enjoy life. things weren’t perfect, but my parents began to resent me less as i practiced (which sometimes felt like pulling nails) being a little more adult and taking responsibility for things.
i started to look at different schools to go to and learn the healing sciences, something to get me out of the current situation. nothing was really aligning perfectly…
come November-ish i was upset when the Ayurvedic/ Herbalist program in Oregon I REALLY had my heart set on going to in May informed me their program was full, and no longer accepting applicants…
when the lady who does my taxes each year (which will always elude me… as a yoga teacher it can get wild sometimes) showed up to my 6 am class and basically offered to let me stay in her house on Maui, Hawaii, while she came back from the island to work in the spring.
...for a few months.
"uhhh…. mmmm…. let me think about that"
a few days later, i was booking my flight.
i felt the freedom already…. just a taste of what it would be like to be able to NOT have to show up every day and teach all my classes, to deal with the emotional strain of holding space for everyone else but myself, to finally heal some of the lingering health crisis i was dealing with.
i taught my very last classes in Roseville today.
i hop on the plane Wed.
i’ve purged nearly all my stuff. i’m left to a few boxes, some art work, a dresser, mattress, the essential crystals and supplements, clothes…..
let go of my teaching schedule, which of course i can return to after a few months on the island.
but a big part of me, honestly, doesn’t really want to.
i always will be a teacher, and will probably teach yoga in Maui…. i’ll need to work for some food and gas money, etc.
other than a place to stay, i really have NO plans about what will happen when i get there.
the universe has taught me over the last year,
...surrender, complete surrender. raise your own vibration to love and empowerment, and the mother will ALWAYS take care of you.
so. that’s where i’m at. i really don’t have a whole lot to come back to. there’s my family and community i will of course come check in with.
but never have i felt more ready to RUN TOWARDS my dreams.
one thing is certain. i know who i am now. i know i am a powerful creator, teacher, channel for grace. i know that i can accomplish any thing i put my mind too. and i know spirit has ALWAYS got my back.
SO… here’s to ADVENTURE!
i’m a freaking Sagittarius dude. its in my blood, my soul, my essence. its what i was made for.
the universe is opening.
a few years ago, i would have freaked out…. teaching yoga was always IT for me.
but times are changing, for all of us. the shift is REAL.
follow me here, i’ll be posting/writing from time to time
#maui #adventure #lettinggo #yoga #journey #spiritualjourney #story #reflections #sobriety #recovery #hawaii