i cut my hair... opened my heart... and of all places, i most missed-- Fresno.

October 15, 2017

 

actually, Kingsburg— the little “swedish” town i grew up in—  to be exact.

 

i know i sound freaking crazy… maui vs. fresno.  HA.  beaches and sunshine and aloha vs. the so-called

 

armpit of California, where summer is hot, dusty, and consciously about 5 years behind the rest of the state...

 

so let me elaborate, of course.

 

i’ve spent the last 5 months floating around… walking on beaches, swimming in the ocean, sleeping in the jungle. being alone in the jungle has afforded me quite a lot of time with myself.  at first, i really, like REALLY REALLY needed that. 

 

i’ve met some amazing and interesting humans, contemplated (actually tossed and turned at night) staying here.  living, working, getting a job… growing some roots.  unfortunately, there aren’t a TON of work opportunities on this island… its hospitality, food service, tourism, or having a specific profession (i.e. doctor, nurse, lawyer, etc.).  i’m not a professional (okay, yes I consider myself a professional yoga teacher… but there are about 200 other women on this island claiming the same thing. and i let go of the yoga hustle already, i didn’t move here to find myself in that shuffle again) and I’m not interested, JUST YET, in surrendering to a “dumb” job.   also, housing is expensive, and quite frankly, crashing on other people’s property and homes is getting tiresome.  

 

I’m here to explore myself, experience paradise for as long as i feel meant to, release and detox from the craziness of the last few years. 

 

not that i COULDN’T— with some diligence and faith— make it work here, and probably be quite happy.  life is simple.  and i love that.  i love being so close to the water, i love the aloha spirit of everyone who lives on maui, i love how welcomed i feel.  

 

but a piece of my heart knows, and has known since i planned this trip, that i came to this island for a very specific reason.  i didn’t know what i would find here REALLY, other than myself.  

 

and i think i truly found me, actually, GROUNDED me—  when i chopped my hair off.  

 

the last time i had long hair was age 15.  before that, it was probably age 4.  long hair is equivalent to baby karly...  theres this picture hanging in my parent’s hallway— a drawing of me with long hair that i remember getting done at the swedish festival in kingsburg before i was five.  i was wearing a sunflower dress…. innocent, surrounded by the sunny yellows and vibrant greens of my clothing… happy, sweet.  the walls around my heart hadn’t been fully constructed yet.  

 

and i feel like i reconnected with that innocence here.  i had an opportunity to nourish that little girl that has been crying out for love and attention a majority of my life.  

one day i woke up and felt this deep urge to chop off my long, messy, dreadlocked hippie hair.  

so thats what i went and did.  i called 3 or 4 hair stylists until i found one with a same day appointment.

i let go of the inner need to keep BEING the little girl.  Instead, it was time to nurture her when needed, but step back into the power of "grown up," young lady Karly.  

 

it was a huge release.  that hair was carrying some gnarly energy from the past couple years... i felt free.  like a new person afterwards.  some of the closest friends i’ve made here said they couldn’t stop staring.  totally different.  authentic to the woman (so weird to say, ugh) my soul wants to grow into.  i feel it. 

 

still rebellious, spunky, slightly opinionated, sensitive… but ready to stop playing a victim to my life and the world, ready to stop running (that doesn’t mean settle down just yet or stop exploring, not quite… lol)  ready to create the life my heart truly desires— and surround myself with the people my heart most cares about.  

 

its taken some emotional up and downs to really swallow all of that...

 

and then, in all of the hours hiking and watering plants and caring for chickens and jumping in the oceans— after the initial magic of maui and being on an island started to lose its spark, even though maui will NEVER lose its magic— after i felt like i’d seen all the different major areas of this island and it started to seem smaller and smaller— i started to miss three people the most:

 

my mom.

my grandpa (mom’s dad)

and my best friend, Kelley who I haven’t seen in over a year since i was in her wedding.

 

all the people who live in Kingsburg/ Fresno.  

 

i’m always obsessing about something. i’m really great about exiting the present moment and daydreaming or future-fucking in my head about where i’m going next, even when all i really have to do is BE HERE NOW, and trust.  

 

but daydreams do mean something on a soul-level.  they tell you a lot about what your sub-conscious really desires or where you need to be physically, emotionally, mentally of your greatest healing.  

 

and my daydreams about kingsburg tell me that before i can commit to paradise fully, i have to go see those people that are closest to my heart.  

 

because it doesn’t matter WHERE on earth you are.  the heart will always pull you to where you are meant to be.  and i know mine won’t shut up.  some days, in just thinking about it, i have to cry a little as i reflect on how damn blessed i am.  

 

so— i’m headed home.  after i sell my jeep for as much money as i can get, its the plane ride back to see some dear friends.  maybe teach a little yoga, cook a little kitchari  (place your orders now ;-P), float around California/ the West coast a bit.

 

 

i may go back to Cali, do my thing and decide i was crazy for leaving and that maui is really meant to be my home. 

 

i may go travel somewhere else for a bit… i know the explorer within (I’m a Sagittarius after all) will probably start feeling an itch soon…

 

i may actually get a job and start paying rent somewhere.  the earth beneath my feet would be nice.

 

it is a little nerve-wracking to face the unknown of the next few months of course, but if there is one thing i know, i will always be taken care of.  

 

but for now, i am FREE.  

more free than i’ve felt or been in a VERY VERY long time.  free from myself, mostly.  and i know what i need to continue to feel free. maui isn’t going anywhere… i reserve the right to return.  

 

blessed beyond measure to have spent as much time as i have on this beautiful island.  

 

Mahalo forever in my heart,

 

xoxo

 

 

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