i think thats the best word to capture the feeling of the last 7 months of life since returning to Sacramento from Maui.
I came back from the island with a new sense of who I am and who I want to be in this world, but absolutely no plan about the next phase of my life. at that point it was all about self-care and grounding into an environment that after only five months of absence from, felt foreign and quite honestly— just, dense.
not that i HATE California, cus i absolutely don’t. I LOVE parts of this state. the mountains—home of my favorite living things on this planet (the Giant Sequoias, like so much that my first born child I’m fairly certain will be named Sequoia…), the diversity of the state and its people, the FOOD, not to mention the fact that my blood family AND spiritual family lives here. Its home. but only in one sense of the word. because truth be told, i almost feel more at home when i get to take a break from this place I’ve lived my whole life. mostly because when i leave, i feel able to withdraw from the identity and personality i fall into back on to survive around here. not that that’s a bad thing either— we need ego’s to function in this world. We are meant to be living, breathing, FULLY human expressions of our spirits. I like to think of life as love expressing itself in the form of US. There is no where I remember myself more than in places where I don’t have the familiarity of my normal surroundings. I come home to my soul.
there is not ONE day that goes by that i don’t think of Hawaii for one reason or another… whether i see an 808, or have a flashback memory, see someone with a shirt from the islands, or talk to someone who is traveling there soon.
but i haven’t let myself fully dive into those feelings, because my job right now is to be present— not dwell in or romanticize the past. contentment is found in the moment as it is, with a sense of gratitude of what its taken to get here of course.
it can be really F*&%-ing hard though when everything you're working towards has been moving at a snail’s pace. i made promises to myself on the way home that i would NOT live with my dad and stepmom for more than a few months (its not completely toxic there, just not completely comfy if you know what i mean)… i’m still sleeping in my old room. i vowed that i would have my trip completely paid off… i still owe $350 on my Alaska Airlines card. i had plans to get the hell out of Roseville ASAP… and of course, i’m still working and living in suburbia.
still. present moment. gratitude. self-care. LOOK FOR THE goddamn LOVE NOTES.
so that’s what i get up and do every day. or try too.
but i still feel like i’m just sitting here waiting… waiting for the universe to open up some new door, inspiration for the next phase of my journey, a sense of deeper purpose to keep me interested in living life. its been too quiet in that part of my brain lately. super uncomfortable for the girl that always has a goal or some kind of creative mission…
rewind a bit from now to the end of January. i find myself driving through the desert on a 10 hour trip from Sac to Sedona, AZ. i’m meeting up with a friend from my favorite island who is passing through the state for the Tuscon gem show. the details of that trip alone are worth a whole blog or two in and of themselves yet for the sake of space and reading time i’ll keep it brief— Sedona is magic and so is the desert. the expansiveness that i felt when looking out at the Joshua Trees littering the otherwise mostly barren landscape reminded me of the ocean. the rolling hills that seem to have no end a bit like waves fading out into the distance. the sky super clear with space to breath and be with me and safely explore my thoughts— a luxury not easily found in the busy-ness of life in NorCal.
i knew i needed the trip for many many reasons, the visit to Sedona’s healing vortexes just a part of the mission (though worth the drive in and of themselves). first— to re-check in with that part of myself i easily lose when i don’t make a conscious effort to somewhat disappear from the routine of life. also to allow space for reflection on what the hell is next. maybe i’d get some answers? maybe not… but at least i’d be doing something other than what i was doing.
a friend recommended i read or listen to the book “Big Magic” by “Eat, Pray, Love’s” author Elizabeth Gilbert. She discusses living a creative, daring, life— naturally, as an artist and creative thinker myself, I was completely absorbed in her concept of ideas and how we as humans are like channels for our muses to flow through us. Somewhere in the middle of my desert drive, four or five hours in, the chapter changed to one titled “Fierce Trust.” all my attention tuned in. Up until this point in my life, “Fierce Grace” has been my life motto. The roller coaster of healing and coming into my body has required me to fall into grace over and over again. Mostly holding myself with grace and forgiveness despite the voices that visit my head every so often wanting nothing more than to convince me that I’m worthless, or that I’ll never be good or perfect enough for myself or anyone.
rewind a bit more. this past new year’s eve (Dec. 31 2017). been feeling a little extra squirrel-y lately. December and the holidays are hard for me. as for many people— my family isn’t super jolly and full of holiday spirit. i spent christmas alone, having taken a solo snowboard trip considering everyone in my house had the flu. been working a minimum wage part time job at a snow sports store that had me exhausted from the holiday rush. been feeling SO ready for that new door to open, yet having to return to that inner (slightly annoying i’ll admit) knowingness of the universal truth: we are ALWAYS ALWAYS ALWAYS exactly where we are supposed to be. one of my good friends convinced me to sign up for the cacao ceremony and yoga New Year’s Eve class at our studio.
After cacao and dancing with a room full of yogi’s we partnered up and were to choose a word for 2018. after asking my belly what my word needed to be for the year… it came loud and clear: Trust.
"I am trusting, I am trusting, I AM trusting, I am TRUSTING, I AM HELLUH FUCKING TRUSTING….” we incanted ourselves- repeating over and over and over to seal the energy of our words into our bodies and consciousness.
while cruising through the open desert my mind returned to the spell i cast over my year that night.
be careful what you wish for…. the universe is always responding.
when we need or ask to learn something, we are always given everything we need to integrate that lesson. reflecting on the last year or so… it hit me. Fierce Grace isn’t the theme for my whole life. it was just the first chapter.
i’ve learned grace. well— not all the way, but do i know how to return to grace over and over. to fall back into self love after i self destruct. and to truly receive the grace that’s always been there. its easy to forget, but the love notes always appear when i remember to look for them and allow grace to flow back in. i think maui helped finish this chapter in a lot of ways. it was the turning of the page…
Fierce trust requires faith that i’m always going to have all the abundance i need to survive and thrive on this planet. whether it comes in the form of work or money or a car or place to crash. its a present moment kind of being, fully engaged in the flow of life.
surrender, hold the vibration of what you need in your being, watch it appear. I’ve gotten free housing and hotels out of the blue on numerous occasions. a job offer or extra source of cash exactly when I need it (and not a moment before… which is easy to get antsy about), little signs from the stars to keep trusting.
Fierce trust means that when you have no idea what the next month or even week holds for you, when it would be really easy to scream at the sky in frustration and do the easier thing like get that stupid part time job or go back to what you’ve always done for the sense of stability it provides— you instead choose to look within at the places in yourself that you're still running from. the victim tapes you play. you look at the ways you let society’s concept of “success” creep into your head and convince you that your dreams are silly. the self-defeating belief you have that if you really put your heart and soul out there and let yourself be seen you would lose something. and you don’t even quite know what it is you would lose. you look at everything that is holding you back and choose to do something different.
Fierce trust means following your heart anyways. it’s walking the path less traveled. its responding to the calling of your truth and your soul EVERY SINGLE DAY.
its the inner knowing that when you align, Magic happens.
Arizona reminded me of what i want. it opened me up again to feeling. i followed my soul's calling all the way to Tuscon, where i found more magic. crystals that make your hands vibrate when you hold them. kindred souls. ancient carvings in rocks reminding me of the illusion of time and the rapidity with which life passes.
on the return journey i met a man the people said was a shaman. he didn’t own the title, since no human taught him what he “knows.” he claimed that his teachers were the spirits and the great spirit we call God. i climbed on top of a vortex with him where he played his flute and shouted from his perch, all we need is an open heart. that’s it!! that IS the only thing thats real. LOVE. he held it in his vibration, and i felt it as i sat in meditation with him. in that moment, we were the same.
the reminder was that who i REALLY am is a sensitive and soft yet powerful soul here on a journey to explore and create Love Notes on this rock named Earth. anything is possible here. and the gateway to everything is the heart…
i trust i can and will co-create the life my dreams suggest is waiting for me. i trust it will be okay if i let my walls down and stay in-spirit-ed even in environments where it seems no one understands. when i do, i get to inspire others to open for themselves.
i’ve been extra sensitive lately. more emotional. and my intuitive dreams have gotten even stronger. flashes the future has in store for me. of love and abundance and service and travel and creation. my artwork has also been flowing freely and i'm feeling more capable then ever. slowly, the dark cloud is lifting. SLOWLY.
...i think its because i’m finally open and clear enough to hold space for those big dreams. i want to surrender and let go of outcomes, but be willing to make strides towards doing things that may seem impossible to some... including myself.
today, i trust in my ability to make it through the year of trust. maybe i’m still a little stuck simply because i’m still learning that lesson is preparing me for the next chapter...
a future my dreams tell me is perhaps even better than any paradise i’ve been to yet.